Goodness. It's already been one whole month since I wrote about the looming event of my oldest heading off to kindergarten (which, not to gloss over it, but it went great! He did fine and I was sad but I DIDN'T CRY. WHAT? Obviously I must have been all out of tears).
Let me tell you. People, I am tired. Holy cow. This whole every day school thing is A LOT....and I'm not even the one going to school! Well, I take that back. I go to school twice each day...every morning for drop off and four hours later for pick up. I didn't really think that that routine would feel like so much to me but it surprisingly does! I mean, we were three days into the school year and I was already over it. The idea of homeschooling my children never looked so good. (1. No. Nope. Homeschooling just isn't my God-given gift. 2. My son goes to a private school where busing is an option for a fee that I'm just not willing to pay.)
I'm missing having days with no obligations. You know, those days where I could do that or I could do this but I don't have to do anything. That just isn't an option anymore and my mind is very very slowly wrapping around the fact that I'm truly living life on the school year schedule now. I've talked many times before about how I feel like my family has our "summer life" and our "school year life" due to my husband being a teacher but now also having a child in school every day adds a new meaning to that. My son is in half day kindergarten, which certainly adds to the crazy mornings, and I'm still so thankful that we had that option. But the thing is...I had all these visions of still being able to do all of our fun activities that we are used to doing, just in the afternoon instead of the morning. We are yet to do anything "fun" after he's done with school for the day and, honestly, that's been very hard for me to be okay with. Part of it was some health issues on my part. Part of it was my youngest son desperately needing his nap. Part of it has been my oldest just wanting to come home and relax. Part of it was just feeling tired from all the go-go-go. It's not my personality and it's not something that is enjoyable or fulfilling for me. I feel stressed, overwhelmed, inadequate, and unable to keep up. All of this is not to say that I don't appreciate and enjoy the alone time I'm having with my youngest, but often I feel so overwhelmed with this new, busier season of life that I don't feel like I'm the happy, focused, present mom that I so desire to be.
Please tell me that I'm not alone in this. There is so much I want to do and want to be and so much that I have to do and have to be and sometimes it feels impossible. Actually....sometimes/most times it IS impossible, isn't it? So we have to pick and choose what is the most important and that can be challenging. That is certainly where I am at right now. Maybe the changes, the saying "no", isn't forever but maybe it needs to be "no for right now". I'm in the process of re-evaluating---what's absolutely necessary for my family, what's absolutely necessary for my personal mental & physical state. Life will never be fully balanced. I will tend to lean one way or another at different stages in life. Accepting that we will never perfectly fulfill all of our roles is the first step and I'm trying so hard to get to that point. It's hard and frustrating and, yes, I have definitely cried about it. But you know the beauty of not being able to perfectly fulfill our roles? We realize that there are others that can come alongside us and complete those jobs with or for us---my husband, my parents, my friends, and, most importantly for me, God. I was not created to go through life on my own and sometimes I get caught up in, "It just seems easier to just do this myself." But that mentality can catch up to us real quickly and tire us out so very much.
Change is hard. Adapting to change is not my strong suit, yet I know that sometimes one change in life calls for additional changes to happen and that's where I'm at. Maybe you're there, too? In the midst of change? It's exhausting and confusing and sometimes I just want go on vacation alone. But we can do this, right? We can totally do this because we can do hard things.
Lots of love to you all!
p.s. Since writing this post a few days ago and having great conversations with some people about all of this, I'm already sensing some positive change.
Ah, the importance of practicing what I preach and actually taking care of myself. :-)