It's two days away--the day that, if I'm being honest, I have dreaded since the day he was born. The day always seemed so far away. "I'm so glad that I have such a long time until then," I would think. Well...it's here. Once I realized how quickly the years were actually going, I tried so hard to slow down time. The day has arrived anyway. Yes, it's true. My oldest son starts kindergarten on Monday. There's an ache in my chest, in my heart, in my head that just won't go away. I told my husband last night that my greatest fear is that I didn't soak in enough moments during the last five, almost six, years of my boy being home with me. My husband's response? "No matter what, I don't think you will ever feel like you had enough time with him. It goes by so quickly, whether we like it or not."
He's right. It's never enough time. There are never enough slow mornings. There are never enough hugs. There are never enough eating cookies together while little brother naps. There are never enough adventures. There are never enough moments knowing that he loves me unconditionally and adores me beyond anything I can even understand or feel worthy of. There's just never enough. I'm beyond grateful that we found what seems to be one of the very few remaining schools with half day kindergarten and knowing that we will still be able to have lunch and afternoons together every day does soothe my heart a bit. But next year...full day school...holy moly. Let's not go there yet! One change at a time! :-)
I'm going to say something that is SO CLICHE, it isn't even funny. But, mamas, it's overwhelmingly true. The early years with children fly by so quickly. There are some stages that feel like they last an eternity but it feels like no time has gone by since I was preparing to send him to preschool for the first time---TWO years ago. I know that my son heading off to kindergarten doesn't push me out of the "early years". Despite that I currently feel like I'm preparing to send him to college, he's still only five and my youngest is three. I'm still living in the early years. But now I'm in the section of the early years that includes mustering up the trust and belief and courage and hope that other people can also offer him proper guidance. Years ago I read this quote by Elizabeth Stone-“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” I get it. I totally get it. It's hard, perhaps even harder than I thought it was going to be.
I'm trying my best to gracefully go through this transition but I don't really feel like I'm doing a great job of that at all. I feel like I could easily cry at any moment and have already cried a couple times today. It's a tricky thing---balancing between showing your child how much you're going to miss being with them and being exciting for all of the new adventures that the new school year holds for them. But, as with much of life, we eventually learn to adapt to our new normal. And, as with much of life, I'm learning that I'm not in control and that worrying about the future does nothing good for my soul. I'm incredibly far from being good at letting go but God has made it pretty clear to me that my life, my relationships, and my heart will be so much healthier when I learn how to handle the ebbs & flows of life with more grace. Isn't that a challenge for us all? I know that it's certainly something I'm feeling compelled to focus on in this current season.
So if you're at Stroller Strides on Monday and we haven't met yet, I'll be the one with swollen eyes who will quite possibly cry during class. Hi. I'm Allison and I cry excessively in the midst of major life changes. :-) Prayers, encouraging thoughts, and Starbucks gift cards are greatly appreciated.
Here's to the next steps of parenthood journey.